screaming into the void

So operation sex appeal ending up ending with a fizzle. I slowly stopped making blog posts on time and then they just stopped altogether. I like that it ended with an interview with Kim Boekbinder, aside from her give really interesting and thought provoking answers, she is and has been an artistic figure I have looked up to for quite some time so it was fulfilling to have her answer by questions and read things that I have written. I’m not upset about how it ended though. Life became to hectic or something and I didn’t need the added stress of making deadlines. At the same time, I didn’t really feel like I needed to be writing to feel anchored to something artistic and creative.
Now though, now I’m moving and I’m leaving a job that has been so much more than a job to me and I need to find a new job and I’ve dropped out of university and I’m starting at a vocational school full time in just 7 days. And I find myself being very introspective. My entire sense of self and identity is being flipped.
The store has become so much a part of me that I’m feeling separation anxiety about leaving it. I have developed poise, fashion sense, confidence, assertiveness, and a plethora of other traits that I find to be desirable within myself while I’ve been there. I don’t think I will regress but this persona of the quirky, flirty, weird shop girl will likely not be completely transferable to a career as a legal secretary. And I love that shop girl. I love being her.
And legal secretary? When did that happen? I have always presented myself as a creative, critical thinking scholar. Do I have to leave that identity at the university? It pays well and one day I would like to live in a house with a yard instead of a spare bedroom. I think I can do the job, and I think I can do it well, but will I still be able to postulate about psychiatric history of anorexia over coffee with a friend or question the sociological creation of gender? Will I come across as pretentious if I do? Can I talk like I have a degree if I never got the piece of paper? Would anyone listen?
I didn’t like university when I returned after a year and a half hiatus. It felt so ivory tower. It felt like if you knew high culture, you couldn’t embrace pop culture. If you read Shakespeare, you couldn’t read romance novels. Knowing how university students think makes me nervous about talking about anything considered to be a scholarly subject with someone who has a background in it.
I feel lost. I feel caught between two worlds. I feel like a stranger to both places. And so I feel it is necessary once again to scream into the void of the internet.
I wish that I could unload everything on my mind into this void but I settle for this lack of identity for now. Maybe more will come out later. Maybe not.
Well until next time be good to each other,
Devon