So operation sex appeal ending up ending with a fizzle. I slowly stopped making blog posts on time and then they just stopped altogether. I like that it ended with an interview with Kim Boekbinder, aside from her give really interesting and thought provoking answers, she is and has been an artistic figure I have looked up to for quite some time so it was fulfilling to have her answer by questions and read things that I have written. I’m not upset about how it ended though. Life became to hectic or something and I didn’t need the added stress of making deadlines. At the same time, I didn’t really feel like I needed to be writing to feel anchored to something artistic and creative.
Now though, now I’m moving and I’m leaving a job that has been so much more than a job to me and I need to find a new job and I’ve dropped out of university and I’m starting at a vocational school full time in just 7 days. And I find myself being very introspective. My entire sense of self and identity is being flipped.
The store has become so much a part of me that I’m feeling separation anxiety about leaving it. I have developed poise, fashion sense, confidence, assertiveness, and a plethora of other traits that I find to be desirable within myself while I’ve been there. I don’t think I will regress but this persona of the quirky, flirty, weird shop girl will likely not be completely transferable to a career as a legal secretary. And I love that shop girl. I love being her.
And legal secretary? When did that happen? I have always presented myself as a creative, critical thinking scholar. Do I have to leave that identity at the university? It pays well and one day I would like to live in a house with a yard instead of a spare bedroom. I think I can do the job, and I think I can do it well, but will I still be able to postulate about psychiatric history of anorexia over coffee with a friend or question the sociological creation of gender? Will I come across as pretentious if I do? Can I talk like I have a degree if I never got the piece of paper? Would anyone listen?
I didn’t like university when I returned after a year and a half hiatus. It felt so ivory tower. It felt like if you knew high culture, you couldn’t embrace pop culture. If you read Shakespeare, you couldn’t read romance novels. Knowing how university students think makes me nervous about talking about anything considered to be a scholarly subject with someone who has a background in it.
I feel lost. I feel caught between two worlds. I feel like a stranger to both places. And so I feel it is necessary once again to scream into the void of the internet.
I wish that I could unload everything on my mind into this void but I settle for this lack of identity for now. Maybe more will come out later. Maybe not.
Well until next time be good to each other,
Devon
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
interview with Kim Boekbinder! (yes the Kim Boekbinder)
And now ladies and gentlemen, an interview with the lovely, the talented, the supremely gorgeous: Kim Boekbinder, the Impossible Girl
http://www.kimboekbinder.com
http://www.theimpossiblegirl.com
http://www.twitter.com/kimboekbinder
Photo Credit: Fairytale Vegas http://www.fairytalevegas.com/
1) What does ‘sexy’ mean to you?
Sexy is a nebulous and every changing concept for me. It slides around like a silk nightgown, it shifts and changes. It is slippery and shiny and fluid. Sexy is sex. Sexy is healthy. Sexy is air, and trees, and words, and skin, and sun, and moon, and more...
Trying to codify sexy, to hold up to the light, to dissect it - that is decidedly unsexy. We know in the moment what is sexy and what is not. Trying too hard is not sexy, not trying at all is not sexy. There is a balance between caring about sexiness, and not letting it overtake your life that is very important.
Sex is important, it's built into us, it's what we are made for. Really, when you break it all down. We are born. To fuck. In between we eat and sleep and fight and love. We make music, and films, and breakfast, and bad decisions. But the biology that makes us really only cares that we procreate, all the rest is decoration. Not that thinking that way is sexy, unless you like nerds, and I do.....
People who wear glasses are sexy.
2) Do you consider yourself sexy?
Sometimes. Yes. Sometimes. No.
3) If you had to pick one woman who embodies sex appeal for you, who would that be? Why?
Smart is sexy to me. Smart and confident. And irreverent. And full of life. There are so many amazingly sexy women in the world today - especially in the field of music. I feel quite lucky to be surrounded by some of the hottest babes music has ever produced. I can never pick just one...of anything. The following list is not in any order:
Janelle Monae - her dance moves, her suit, her style of not "being sexy" is totally hot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwnefUaKCbc
Amanda Palmer - friend and compatriot, she is fierce and fabulous, and I like a woman who can hit (a piano)
Florence (and the Machine) - sparkly redhead with a natural beauty, life just spills out of her
Non-musical sexiness
Molly Crabapple - super smart, focused, intensely creative, and curvy! - http://www.mollycrabapple.com
Agent Cleave - he's not a woman, but he's fucking sexy, and he dances on a pole, and he smells like cake - http://www.agentcleave.blogspot.com/
Katelan Foisy - drop dead gorgeous, and silly, and smart, and genuine through and through http://www.katelanfoisy.com/
4) On a scale of 1-10 how important is it for women to identify with ‘sexy’?
Totally depends on the person. For me it goes between 1-10. Sometimes I really don't care (though I never want to feel 'unsexy') and other times I luxuriate in the feeling.
5) Does your definition of ‘sexy’ differ from the media’s representation?
My version of sexy is different than corporate medias version of sexy. The blonde, plastic boobed, bimbos of much porn are not sexy to me. Women, or men, being hurt or used solely as sex objects is not sexy.
There is so much media, access to media, and so many new people involved in media that the terms are changing. There is so much to see now, more than one ideal. I think it's great.
6) Do you feel like women are objectified in popular representation?
I feel that everyone is objectified - women more than men - which I think is a shame because men can be very sexy.
7) Do you feel like being objectified is negative?
I love objectification. I don't think it's a problem. I think the problem is when objectification is the ONLY option a person has. And living my life in a female body that happens to be relatively thin, with a mostly pleasant face, and large breasts, I've had to deal with a lot of it in my life. It has been frustrating at times, dangerous at other times. I know it can be a problem. But...
We are humans, we have aesthetic values, we judge everything based on how it looks, feels, tastes, sounds - on how things assault our senses. It is a great pleasure to look at one aspect of a person - objectify, revel in the beauty or sex appeal of one part - legs, ass, collar bone, hands, eyes, brain, feet....whatever it is that is turning you on in that moment. And I don't think it is disrespectful until you refuse to acknowledge the other parts of this person, or the person as a whole.
Someone has great legs. Fuck, yeah. Tell them. Enjoy the view as they walk up the stairs. But pay attention to the whole person too, because that is where it gets seriously sexy. Legs are legs, and the greatest pair of legs in the world cannot be better than one entire person: fears, failures, and flaws included.
8) Is confidence and sexuality related?
Absolutely. Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is not confident.
We all lose faith in ourselves sometimes. We can all feel low, unsexy, completely disgusting. But in a world where everything can be sexy, and the sexiest thing about you is: all of you, you can be confident that someone will find you undeniably attractive. You are the only one standing in the way of your own sexiness.
And some of your readers might be thinking, "Sure, it's easy for a cute, pink haired, rock star to say these things because she's sexy all the time to lots of people. She's not horribly disfigured, or a paraplegic, or a leper...try being sexy then!"
But I've seen all kinds of people, with all kinds of looks and physical challenges embody a sexiness that is undeniable and certainly VERY different than what the glossy magazines would have us believe is the one true ideal of sexy.
9) Are sexuality and being ‘sexy’ related?
I'm not sure what you mean by this? Sexual preference?
I think that sex is hot. Gay, straight, everything in between, and to the side or above or below that. I don't call myself bi-sexual, it's too narrow a term. Pan-sexual sounds too broad. I like who I like. Well, generally I love who I love.
Love is sexy.
10) Bonus question: From what you’ve seen in my blogs, am I sexy?
Indeed!
http://www.kimboekbinder.com
http://www.theimpossiblegirl.com
http://www.twitter.com/kimboekbinder
Photo Credit: Fairytale Vegas http://www.fairytalevegas.com/
1) What does ‘sexy’ mean to you?
Sexy is a nebulous and every changing concept for me. It slides around like a silk nightgown, it shifts and changes. It is slippery and shiny and fluid. Sexy is sex. Sexy is healthy. Sexy is air, and trees, and words, and skin, and sun, and moon, and more...
Trying to codify sexy, to hold up to the light, to dissect it - that is decidedly unsexy. We know in the moment what is sexy and what is not. Trying too hard is not sexy, not trying at all is not sexy. There is a balance between caring about sexiness, and not letting it overtake your life that is very important.
Sex is important, it's built into us, it's what we are made for. Really, when you break it all down. We are born. To fuck. In between we eat and sleep and fight and love. We make music, and films, and breakfast, and bad decisions. But the biology that makes us really only cares that we procreate, all the rest is decoration. Not that thinking that way is sexy, unless you like nerds, and I do.....
People who wear glasses are sexy.
2) Do you consider yourself sexy?
Sometimes. Yes. Sometimes. No.
3) If you had to pick one woman who embodies sex appeal for you, who would that be? Why?
Smart is sexy to me. Smart and confident. And irreverent. And full of life. There are so many amazingly sexy women in the world today - especially in the field of music. I feel quite lucky to be surrounded by some of the hottest babes music has ever produced. I can never pick just one...of anything. The following list is not in any order:
Janelle Monae - her dance moves, her suit, her style of not "being sexy" is totally hot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwnefUaKCbc
Amanda Palmer - friend and compatriot, she is fierce and fabulous, and I like a woman who can hit (a piano)
Florence (and the Machine) - sparkly redhead with a natural beauty, life just spills out of her
Non-musical sexiness
Molly Crabapple - super smart, focused, intensely creative, and curvy! - http://www.mollycrabapple.com
Agent Cleave - he's not a woman, but he's fucking sexy, and he dances on a pole, and he smells like cake - http://www.agentcleave.blogspot.com/
Katelan Foisy - drop dead gorgeous, and silly, and smart, and genuine through and through http://www.katelanfoisy.com/
4) On a scale of 1-10 how important is it for women to identify with ‘sexy’?
Totally depends on the person. For me it goes between 1-10. Sometimes I really don't care (though I never want to feel 'unsexy') and other times I luxuriate in the feeling.
5) Does your definition of ‘sexy’ differ from the media’s representation?
My version of sexy is different than corporate medias version of sexy. The blonde, plastic boobed, bimbos of much porn are not sexy to me. Women, or men, being hurt or used solely as sex objects is not sexy.
There is so much media, access to media, and so many new people involved in media that the terms are changing. There is so much to see now, more than one ideal. I think it's great.
6) Do you feel like women are objectified in popular representation?
I feel that everyone is objectified - women more than men - which I think is a shame because men can be very sexy.
7) Do you feel like being objectified is negative?
I love objectification. I don't think it's a problem. I think the problem is when objectification is the ONLY option a person has. And living my life in a female body that happens to be relatively thin, with a mostly pleasant face, and large breasts, I've had to deal with a lot of it in my life. It has been frustrating at times, dangerous at other times. I know it can be a problem. But...
We are humans, we have aesthetic values, we judge everything based on how it looks, feels, tastes, sounds - on how things assault our senses. It is a great pleasure to look at one aspect of a person - objectify, revel in the beauty or sex appeal of one part - legs, ass, collar bone, hands, eyes, brain, feet....whatever it is that is turning you on in that moment. And I don't think it is disrespectful until you refuse to acknowledge the other parts of this person, or the person as a whole.
Someone has great legs. Fuck, yeah. Tell them. Enjoy the view as they walk up the stairs. But pay attention to the whole person too, because that is where it gets seriously sexy. Legs are legs, and the greatest pair of legs in the world cannot be better than one entire person: fears, failures, and flaws included.
8) Is confidence and sexuality related?
Absolutely. Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is not confident.
We all lose faith in ourselves sometimes. We can all feel low, unsexy, completely disgusting. But in a world where everything can be sexy, and the sexiest thing about you is: all of you, you can be confident that someone will find you undeniably attractive. You are the only one standing in the way of your own sexiness.
And some of your readers might be thinking, "Sure, it's easy for a cute, pink haired, rock star to say these things because she's sexy all the time to lots of people. She's not horribly disfigured, or a paraplegic, or a leper...try being sexy then!"
But I've seen all kinds of people, with all kinds of looks and physical challenges embody a sexiness that is undeniable and certainly VERY different than what the glossy magazines would have us believe is the one true ideal of sexy.
9) Are sexuality and being ‘sexy’ related?
I'm not sure what you mean by this? Sexual preference?
I think that sex is hot. Gay, straight, everything in between, and to the side or above or below that. I don't call myself bi-sexual, it's too narrow a term. Pan-sexual sounds too broad. I like who I like. Well, generally I love who I love.
Love is sexy.
10) Bonus question: From what you’ve seen in my blogs, am I sexy?
Indeed!
Monday, May 3, 2010
finishing what i sta...
I have trouble finishing what I start. When I was a teenager, my parents forced me to finish what I started. I got my black belt. I played piano for 16 years. I graduated high school with a bilingual diploma (and honours). I got the highest award you can receive in a non leader position for Girl Guides. I had all my brownie badges. But now that I’m a poor excuse for an adult and I have no one to ground me or guilt me or force me into finishing things, now I have problems with following through. Even things that are free, or take minimum effort. Finishing things feels good. Reaching goals feels good. Or at least, I think they do, I haven’t been on top of that for so long that I’m not really sure anymore.
I have debt. I’ve been in university for 7 years and I don’t have a degree. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I don’t even have goldfish. I don’t own a car or a home. I can’t speak Japanese and I’ve never been to Europe. Is it any surprise that I’m on anti-depressants? By society’s standards I’m a complete and utter failure.
Why am I bringing this up? I have a point, I really do. I haven’t lost any weight yet. I’ve been blaming everything from school to lack of motivation to depression but the cold hard truth is I’m not exercising enough or at all. Or trying to. The truth is, I don’t think I need to. I am stubborn. I had decided before I even started that losing weight/ adhering to media standards’ of beauty wouldn’t make me a happier or better person. I had decided that if I did feel any better that it would be because I was writing or that I had project to keep my mind active or that I was following through with something I started.
I like the way I look. I think that’s part of the problem. I have a really nice body, a fabulous wardrobe, and I try not to leave the house without doing my makeup or hair. I have open body language, I make eye contact, I smile, I say hello to people when I pass them on the street, I listen, I ask questions, I engage in conversation and as a result I get hit on a lot. People open up to me really easily. I’m not sure why but they do. At work, more often than not, I’ll know intimate details of strangers lives and sex lives. On the bus or train, I’ll learn why someone’s marriage fell apart or about how they fell in love. I get told multiple times a day (by people I don’t know) that I’m beautiful or hot or cute or whatever. I like it.
Now it is arguable that I’m hiding behind this so that I can’t fail. If I stop trying to lose weight then I can’t fail at it right? I can claim superiority because I’m sticking up for ‘natural’ beauty. I’m being a feminist and making curves be sexy and all that stuff Dove commercials preach. But then on the other hand, setting up impossible standards set forth by the media puts me in constant turmoil. Can I eat that cookie? How many calories is it? Did I exercise enough today? Am I fatter than her? Is she prettier than me? And that doesn’t really seem like a healthy state of mind either. So do I live in denial or do I live in a place where I can’t succeed? Should my goal just be to be healthy? Is that measurable?
I think I have trouble living in the moment. No, I don’t think, I know. I envy people who can say ‘what would make me happy now?’ and then do it. I have so much difficulty thinking in terms of ‘I’m going for a run now.’ I think in terms of ‘Later, I’ll run but first, but first, but first...’ or ‘why should I waste time running its not doing anything. I don’t see results.’ I’ll use the latter sometimes before I’ve even gone for one run. I do it everywhere. Where is this relationship going, I don’t want to stick around if it’s not going to last. I’m not going to do my homework because this class will not be important to my career. This cookie won’t affect my weight, I’m over weight anyways. I’m always making excuses for me not to try because success isn’t tangible right at that moment so it might as well not be tangible ever. I can’t seem to just enjoy running or a time with someone I care about or the fact that I’m learning about something interesting.
I don’t really know how to change. I thought that maybe starting on something like my appearance and getting control of that, that I could justify letting sticking with it permeate to the rest of my life, but here I am with 2 months left and I’ve only lost 5 of the 30 pounds I set out to lose. I’m eating healthier and I walk whenever I can but I’m not exercising. Do I give in to just being a bit of a loser and hope for the best? I feel like that metaphorical flame inside me gets dimmer with every year that passes and that eventually I will need to submit to the possibility of mediocrity, normalcy, and dullness. I mean if so then I should have gotten married when I had the chance at 18. At least then, I would have done something with my life. I probably would have had children too. I’m not sure that there’s an answer. And, obviously, I’m aware that if I don’t lose 30 pounds it doesn’t make me a failure at life. If I can’t do this, it doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. But it would be one more thing I didn’t finish, one more thing I failed at, one more thing I didn’t do.
I think I should keep trying. If I don’t like the way I look then I guess I can eat cheese cake until I gain it all back. I just wish I could figure out a way to be motivated.
I think next week I may need to revisit confidence. Yes, I think confidence is the way to go.
Love
Plain old Devon.
I have debt. I’ve been in university for 7 years and I don’t have a degree. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I don’t even have goldfish. I don’t own a car or a home. I can’t speak Japanese and I’ve never been to Europe. Is it any surprise that I’m on anti-depressants? By society’s standards I’m a complete and utter failure.
Why am I bringing this up? I have a point, I really do. I haven’t lost any weight yet. I’ve been blaming everything from school to lack of motivation to depression but the cold hard truth is I’m not exercising enough or at all. Or trying to. The truth is, I don’t think I need to. I am stubborn. I had decided before I even started that losing weight/ adhering to media standards’ of beauty wouldn’t make me a happier or better person. I had decided that if I did feel any better that it would be because I was writing or that I had project to keep my mind active or that I was following through with something I started.
I like the way I look. I think that’s part of the problem. I have a really nice body, a fabulous wardrobe, and I try not to leave the house without doing my makeup or hair. I have open body language, I make eye contact, I smile, I say hello to people when I pass them on the street, I listen, I ask questions, I engage in conversation and as a result I get hit on a lot. People open up to me really easily. I’m not sure why but they do. At work, more often than not, I’ll know intimate details of strangers lives and sex lives. On the bus or train, I’ll learn why someone’s marriage fell apart or about how they fell in love. I get told multiple times a day (by people I don’t know) that I’m beautiful or hot or cute or whatever. I like it.
Now it is arguable that I’m hiding behind this so that I can’t fail. If I stop trying to lose weight then I can’t fail at it right? I can claim superiority because I’m sticking up for ‘natural’ beauty. I’m being a feminist and making curves be sexy and all that stuff Dove commercials preach. But then on the other hand, setting up impossible standards set forth by the media puts me in constant turmoil. Can I eat that cookie? How many calories is it? Did I exercise enough today? Am I fatter than her? Is she prettier than me? And that doesn’t really seem like a healthy state of mind either. So do I live in denial or do I live in a place where I can’t succeed? Should my goal just be to be healthy? Is that measurable?
I think I have trouble living in the moment. No, I don’t think, I know. I envy people who can say ‘what would make me happy now?’ and then do it. I have so much difficulty thinking in terms of ‘I’m going for a run now.’ I think in terms of ‘Later, I’ll run but first, but first, but first...’ or ‘why should I waste time running its not doing anything. I don’t see results.’ I’ll use the latter sometimes before I’ve even gone for one run. I do it everywhere. Where is this relationship going, I don’t want to stick around if it’s not going to last. I’m not going to do my homework because this class will not be important to my career. This cookie won’t affect my weight, I’m over weight anyways. I’m always making excuses for me not to try because success isn’t tangible right at that moment so it might as well not be tangible ever. I can’t seem to just enjoy running or a time with someone I care about or the fact that I’m learning about something interesting.
I don’t really know how to change. I thought that maybe starting on something like my appearance and getting control of that, that I could justify letting sticking with it permeate to the rest of my life, but here I am with 2 months left and I’ve only lost 5 of the 30 pounds I set out to lose. I’m eating healthier and I walk whenever I can but I’m not exercising. Do I give in to just being a bit of a loser and hope for the best? I feel like that metaphorical flame inside me gets dimmer with every year that passes and that eventually I will need to submit to the possibility of mediocrity, normalcy, and dullness. I mean if so then I should have gotten married when I had the chance at 18. At least then, I would have done something with my life. I probably would have had children too. I’m not sure that there’s an answer. And, obviously, I’m aware that if I don’t lose 30 pounds it doesn’t make me a failure at life. If I can’t do this, it doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. But it would be one more thing I didn’t finish, one more thing I failed at, one more thing I didn’t do.
I think I should keep trying. If I don’t like the way I look then I guess I can eat cheese cake until I gain it all back. I just wish I could figure out a way to be motivated.
I think next week I may need to revisit confidence. Yes, I think confidence is the way to go.
Love
Plain old Devon.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Faking it!
Orgasms should never be faked because that’s just not beneficial to you in any way, shape or form. But life isn’t perfect and sometimes things need to be faked for the benefit of mankind, for example receiving the most God awful ugly Christmas tree sweater from your dying great aunt as a gift. Smile big, say thank you, hug the women and put on the fucking sweater. She’s like a million years old, just grit your teeth and wear it for every Christmas she has left. Then burn it.
How to Fake that you’re interested/ interesting:
As a person working in retail (and I’m sure anyone in the service industry would relate), I have to frequently fake that I care and am interested in the minute details of people’s personal lives. Being that I work in a niche that caters not only to bridal and grad but also the fetish market in the area, I also get to hear about the minute details of people’s sexual lives too. Glossed over eyes and a fake smile doesn’t cut it, so here is how to look/ sound interested when you actually want to run screaming in the opposite direction. *Note to readers, if you have the gut feeling that someone means you harm, you should actually run, maybe even run screaming depending on the situation.*
• Before you talk to a person, make eye contact and smile. If you don’t know them, you will likely catch off guard and possibly make their day. If you do know them, you’ll probably still catch them off guard. It starts you off on the right foot and you may make a new friend.
• Make eye contact. Some people have difficulty with this. If making eye contact makes you uncomfortable, look them in the eye when they’re talking but look around the room when you speak. Make it look like it’s for emphasis. If you’re talking about a time when you were frustrated, roll your eyes; if you’re speaking of a time you were sad, look down; if you’re speaking of a time you were elated look up and smile. If you are asking a question though, you should maintain the eye contact. Don’t do the creepy, no blink stare.
• Giggle or laugh when they laugh. Pick up on their body language and mirror it. I don’t mean mime style but use their motions and facial expression to understand what they want you to do and then react accordingly. Smile if they smile. Offer sympathy if they look sad. Get angry with them if they act angry.
• Ask questions. People want to talk about themselves. You will come across as more interesting if you say little about yourself and ask many questions.
• If you are going to talk about yourself, limit yourself to short antidotes that are relevant to what the other person is saying. If they ask you a question, avoid one word answers but keep your answers short and leave room for continued conversation. For example, “Do you like movies?” “Oh yes. I’m a huge movie geek, do you?” or “I’ve never really been one to sit still for very long so I don’t generally watch movies but I enjoyed Fern Gully,” not “yeah” or “I hate movies.” Be honest with your answers, lies are difficult to keep tract of.
• When you do talk about yourself try to stay away from going on about your problems. If you really need to get things off your chest go to a close friend or a counsellor. Strangers don’t need or want to know your issues.
How to Fake flirting:
I don’t really want to encourage or discourage using your sexuality to get what you want, that’s your life and your business and you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences. But sometimes a little flirting can get you far. Everyone likes to feel attractive. Everyone likes to feel wanted. Everyone likes to feel sexually desirable. So stroke that ego a little if it means you get a free upgrade or extra toppings or a discount or a sale. Plus its fun and your ego gets a little stroke in return when it works. If it doesn’t work, remember, its them not you. You are fabulous.
• Use all interested/ interesting tactics, that is step one and sometimes, it’s the only step you need.
• Maintain eye contact a split second longer than you normally would and then look down and smile. Basically you want to give the impression that you were caught checking them out and you didn’t want to be.
• Tilt your head to one side and smile when your target is talking.
• Use open body language. Don’t cross your arms, don’t have your back to them. If you can lean in, in a way that blocks you from other but leaves you completely open to them.
• Giggle a lot.
• Touch their arm lightly, any physical contact is good but make it short and sweet and light.
• If you can slip in a compliment. Wait for an opening. If they make some kind of crack about their physical appearance that is not complimentary, they are basically asking for a compliment. For example “Awe man, I’m so hairy I look like an ape naked” “I don’t know, I think body hair on men is kind of sexy” following by eye contact then look down and giggle or if you’re feeling brave “Oh I’d like to see that” followed by giggle and quick change of subject.
• Take compliments graciously. Say thank you. Or if you’re cocky like me say “I know, I’m freaking hot. You’re lucky to be standing beside me,” followed by a giggle and a light shove where your hand lingers on their arm.
• If they’re not offering what you want, ask for it in a fun, goofy, flirty voice. For example “So you gonna sit me in first class or what?” If they say yes, then excellent. If they say no, pass it off as a joke. If they ask for your number, give it to them if you want. If you don’t want to reply in one of two ways: give them your e-mail (its less personal) or say “oh my, I think things are moving too quickly! I don’t want to get pregnant. Ask me next time I see you, so I know you’re serious.” Then don’t go back or just deal with it the next time you see them.
• Keep it short and sweet, get what you want and get out.
How to Fake you’ve lost weight (when you actually haven’t):
Okay so sometimes dieting and eating right doesn’t give you the result you want in time for the event where your ex will be and you need to be fabulous (remember you already are fabulous). Here’s some quick fixes to make it look like you’ve lost more than the 190 ilbs of dead beat asshole you dumped four months ago:
• Get a fabulous hair cut and colour. Use mis-direction. People will see you looking hot and focus on that. They’ll say “Oh my God, you look fabulous, have you lost weight?” because they have no idea why you look so good but the point is that they know you look good.
• Do your makeup. Same reason as the hair. Its mis-direction and smoke and mirrors. Stay on the natural side so that they’re not sure if you’re naturally this gorgeous or if you had help from Cover Girl.
• Invest in Spanx or a corset. Spanx is more affordable and if it’s a day time event then a corset may not be appropriate. It will smooth you out and suck you in. It will look like you’ve at least lost 10 ilbs. Corsets make your breasts look bigger.
• Get an awesome bra. If you’re less than a C cup, get a water or air bra. If you’re bigger than a C cup, underwire, pushup, and padding. The bigger your tits are the smaller your waist will look. Just don’t go too over board. Triple K boobs maybe overwhelming.
• Wear heals 3 inches or higher. This will make your legs look longer, and your butt and legs look more toned. If you are going to wear stockings vertical stripes will elongate but isn’t always style appropriate. Seam up the back are sexy and gives a similar effect. Good quality, non saggy fishnets will make your legs look more shapely. Bare legs are good too (even pale ones like mine) but keep skirt length in mind. Super short skirts will make legs appear longer but if you hate your thighs maybe not the best idea. Long skirts will have the same effect, just make sure you steer clear of the matronly Mormon look. Anything in between should be done with caution as it can chop you up which makes you look short and heavier. Dress pants or jeans are good with heals. Sweat pants, pj pants, gi pants, yoga pants, cargo pants, actually any sports pants or pant you would wear to do garden in are not suitable to wear with heals.
• Pick the parts of you and accentuate them. Don’t focus on hiding the bad parts but instead highlighting the fabulous parts. Great rack= V neck sweaters are your friend. Tiny waist= waist belts. Long legs= miniskirts. Junk in the Trunk= pencil skirts.
• Wear clothing that fits you. Whether your clothing is too tight or too loose, it will make you look heavier. If you have to have someone help you into your jeans then they are too small. If you can fit someone else in your t-shirt then it is too big. When in doubt, ask a friendly sales associate.
Next week I think its update time. I’m sorry about being not on top of the last few weeks. Finals, papers, and general stress was just a bit too much to be able to keep up with. But now the semester is over! Yay!
Fake it till you make it.
D
How to Fake that you’re interested/ interesting:
As a person working in retail (and I’m sure anyone in the service industry would relate), I have to frequently fake that I care and am interested in the minute details of people’s personal lives. Being that I work in a niche that caters not only to bridal and grad but also the fetish market in the area, I also get to hear about the minute details of people’s sexual lives too. Glossed over eyes and a fake smile doesn’t cut it, so here is how to look/ sound interested when you actually want to run screaming in the opposite direction. *Note to readers, if you have the gut feeling that someone means you harm, you should actually run, maybe even run screaming depending on the situation.*
• Before you talk to a person, make eye contact and smile. If you don’t know them, you will likely catch off guard and possibly make their day. If you do know them, you’ll probably still catch them off guard. It starts you off on the right foot and you may make a new friend.
• Make eye contact. Some people have difficulty with this. If making eye contact makes you uncomfortable, look them in the eye when they’re talking but look around the room when you speak. Make it look like it’s for emphasis. If you’re talking about a time when you were frustrated, roll your eyes; if you’re speaking of a time you were sad, look down; if you’re speaking of a time you were elated look up and smile. If you are asking a question though, you should maintain the eye contact. Don’t do the creepy, no blink stare.
• Giggle or laugh when they laugh. Pick up on their body language and mirror it. I don’t mean mime style but use their motions and facial expression to understand what they want you to do and then react accordingly. Smile if they smile. Offer sympathy if they look sad. Get angry with them if they act angry.
• Ask questions. People want to talk about themselves. You will come across as more interesting if you say little about yourself and ask many questions.
• If you are going to talk about yourself, limit yourself to short antidotes that are relevant to what the other person is saying. If they ask you a question, avoid one word answers but keep your answers short and leave room for continued conversation. For example, “Do you like movies?” “Oh yes. I’m a huge movie geek, do you?” or “I’ve never really been one to sit still for very long so I don’t generally watch movies but I enjoyed Fern Gully,” not “yeah” or “I hate movies.” Be honest with your answers, lies are difficult to keep tract of.
• When you do talk about yourself try to stay away from going on about your problems. If you really need to get things off your chest go to a close friend or a counsellor. Strangers don’t need or want to know your issues.
How to Fake flirting:
I don’t really want to encourage or discourage using your sexuality to get what you want, that’s your life and your business and you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences. But sometimes a little flirting can get you far. Everyone likes to feel attractive. Everyone likes to feel wanted. Everyone likes to feel sexually desirable. So stroke that ego a little if it means you get a free upgrade or extra toppings or a discount or a sale. Plus its fun and your ego gets a little stroke in return when it works. If it doesn’t work, remember, its them not you. You are fabulous.
• Use all interested/ interesting tactics, that is step one and sometimes, it’s the only step you need.
• Maintain eye contact a split second longer than you normally would and then look down and smile. Basically you want to give the impression that you were caught checking them out and you didn’t want to be.
• Tilt your head to one side and smile when your target is talking.
• Use open body language. Don’t cross your arms, don’t have your back to them. If you can lean in, in a way that blocks you from other but leaves you completely open to them.
• Giggle a lot.
• Touch their arm lightly, any physical contact is good but make it short and sweet and light.
• If you can slip in a compliment. Wait for an opening. If they make some kind of crack about their physical appearance that is not complimentary, they are basically asking for a compliment. For example “Awe man, I’m so hairy I look like an ape naked” “I don’t know, I think body hair on men is kind of sexy” following by eye contact then look down and giggle or if you’re feeling brave “Oh I’d like to see that” followed by giggle and quick change of subject.
• Take compliments graciously. Say thank you. Or if you’re cocky like me say “I know, I’m freaking hot. You’re lucky to be standing beside me,” followed by a giggle and a light shove where your hand lingers on their arm.
• If they’re not offering what you want, ask for it in a fun, goofy, flirty voice. For example “So you gonna sit me in first class or what?” If they say yes, then excellent. If they say no, pass it off as a joke. If they ask for your number, give it to them if you want. If you don’t want to reply in one of two ways: give them your e-mail (its less personal) or say “oh my, I think things are moving too quickly! I don’t want to get pregnant. Ask me next time I see you, so I know you’re serious.” Then don’t go back or just deal with it the next time you see them.
• Keep it short and sweet, get what you want and get out.
How to Fake you’ve lost weight (when you actually haven’t):
Okay so sometimes dieting and eating right doesn’t give you the result you want in time for the event where your ex will be and you need to be fabulous (remember you already are fabulous). Here’s some quick fixes to make it look like you’ve lost more than the 190 ilbs of dead beat asshole you dumped four months ago:
• Get a fabulous hair cut and colour. Use mis-direction. People will see you looking hot and focus on that. They’ll say “Oh my God, you look fabulous, have you lost weight?” because they have no idea why you look so good but the point is that they know you look good.
• Do your makeup. Same reason as the hair. Its mis-direction and smoke and mirrors. Stay on the natural side so that they’re not sure if you’re naturally this gorgeous or if you had help from Cover Girl.
• Invest in Spanx or a corset. Spanx is more affordable and if it’s a day time event then a corset may not be appropriate. It will smooth you out and suck you in. It will look like you’ve at least lost 10 ilbs. Corsets make your breasts look bigger.
• Get an awesome bra. If you’re less than a C cup, get a water or air bra. If you’re bigger than a C cup, underwire, pushup, and padding. The bigger your tits are the smaller your waist will look. Just don’t go too over board. Triple K boobs maybe overwhelming.
• Wear heals 3 inches or higher. This will make your legs look longer, and your butt and legs look more toned. If you are going to wear stockings vertical stripes will elongate but isn’t always style appropriate. Seam up the back are sexy and gives a similar effect. Good quality, non saggy fishnets will make your legs look more shapely. Bare legs are good too (even pale ones like mine) but keep skirt length in mind. Super short skirts will make legs appear longer but if you hate your thighs maybe not the best idea. Long skirts will have the same effect, just make sure you steer clear of the matronly Mormon look. Anything in between should be done with caution as it can chop you up which makes you look short and heavier. Dress pants or jeans are good with heals. Sweat pants, pj pants, gi pants, yoga pants, cargo pants, actually any sports pants or pant you would wear to do garden in are not suitable to wear with heals.
• Pick the parts of you and accentuate them. Don’t focus on hiding the bad parts but instead highlighting the fabulous parts. Great rack= V neck sweaters are your friend. Tiny waist= waist belts. Long legs= miniskirts. Junk in the Trunk= pencil skirts.
• Wear clothing that fits you. Whether your clothing is too tight or too loose, it will make you look heavier. If you have to have someone help you into your jeans then they are too small. If you can fit someone else in your t-shirt then it is too big. When in doubt, ask a friendly sales associate.
Next week I think its update time. I’m sorry about being not on top of the last few weeks. Finals, papers, and general stress was just a bit too much to be able to keep up with. But now the semester is over! Yay!
Fake it till you make it.
D
Monday, April 12, 2010
oh the lateness...
So I missed a post last week. I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit all over the place.
I’m being healthy. I’m eating well. I had a McDonald’s hamburger the other day and it just about killed me. Excessive sugar makes me sick to my stomach, whereas before I lived off excessive amounts of sugar. I’m partaking in light to moderate exercise every day. Mostly, I’ve been walking. I walk down to the train/ bus. I walk before my shift starts. I walk home from the bus/ train. I do weights and crunches about three times a week and I pole dance whenever the mood strikes me. I’m sleeping 7 hours a night instead of 10 but I feel more rested and I don’t nap anymore. I have less days where I don’t feel like getting off the sofa, they’re still there but it’s definitely less frequent. But, there is no significant change to my weight. I think I’ve maybe lost another two or three pounds.
The thing is my motivation is gone. And when my motivation is gone, I let things slip by. I ‘forget’ to do assignments for school, laundry gets delayed, my room gets messier. I just stop caring about things that don’t have a tangible and instant goal or gratification. Yes, the gratification needs to come faster than clean laundry. I can understand why in the past I’ve turned to food or alcohol or sex or the internet for that kind of satisfaction. Thank Goodness, I never tried crack. As far as food and alcohol goes, it’s not very respectful to my body or myself to try and ‘fix’ what ails me with chocolate chip cookies and red wine (mmm chocolate chip cookies and red wine). But it works, or at least it works for an hour, sometimes two. Sex, I’m not giving up but for the past year I’ve been correcting my bad habits of confusing sex with love and confusing orgasms with validation. As for the internet, I love it. It numbs my mind so that I don’t have to concentrate on term papers, bills, or what so-and-so said about what’s-her-face. Eating isn’t bad, drinking isn’t bad, Sex and the internet aren’t bad, but using them as sources for happiness is bad because it’s a false happiness. Boyfriends can be a source of part of your happiness but they shouldn’t be what the happiness is dependent on.
I need to make changes in my life. My down days are starting to outnumber my not down days. I want it to be the other way around. I want to make progress in the project. I want to see it through to the end. I don’t want to live my sofa. So I have compiled a list of things that I have with the help of loved that could potentially get me back on track so I don’t feel like such a failure all the time. I’m also providing a timeline for each so that I can measure my progress.
*Go to counselling. Its time. There are things I need professional help to work out. And that’s all I have to say about that. (April 14th)
*Find an exercise routine (that is more intense than walking) that works for me. One that I will stick to and be excited to do. I’m thinking I should go back to martial arts, or dancing, or try going to the gym again. (May 1st)
*Find an artistic outlet. Maybe drawing, maybe playing music again. (May 1st)
*Create a clean and welcoming space for me to live in. (May 1st)
*Spend time with friends. Try to make social engagement once a week with people I love and who love me back (Ongoing)
I also want to learn to wear heels. My cousin (who is moving away soon, *pout*) gave me a late birthday present yesterday, a book called The Girl’s Guide to Almost Everything. It’s pretty rad. I predict it will have some influence over my blog. But the author frequently talks about wearing heels as a way to brighten up your day, and I believe that to be true. I think that you can make yourself feel better by looking really hot. She mentions something to the effect of the shittier you feel, the more elegant you should dress. Beauty is skin deep but sometimes the transformation can happen from the outside in.
I mentioned that I’ve lost almost no weight, but there has been changes in the way I am viewed by others. I get hit on way more than I ever have before. Maybe I didn’t notice before, but I get called beautiful daily by people I don’t know. I’m not sure what to gather from this. Do I come across as more confident, approachable, friendly than I did before? Have I actually lost weight and my scale is just fucking with me? People in general think I’m charming, funny, and hot. I’m, for once, not being conceited because they feel the need to inform me that I am charming, funny, and hot. Was it because I used to have a shaved head and now I have hair? Do I carry myself differently? I have no idea, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like.
Pole video is coming. I’m having technical difficulties. My webcam lacks the ability to show enough of me or the pole so I’m trying to come up with a solution. If I can’t find one by next week then I’ll just post a poor quality video and you’ll have to deal with it.
Tazo tea’s Zen tea is a nice alt to wine, in case anyone was wondering.
Apples are a good alt to cookies.
Okay I’m going to try to be a grown up for a little bit now. Next week, how to fake it!
Love,
The big d
I’m being healthy. I’m eating well. I had a McDonald’s hamburger the other day and it just about killed me. Excessive sugar makes me sick to my stomach, whereas before I lived off excessive amounts of sugar. I’m partaking in light to moderate exercise every day. Mostly, I’ve been walking. I walk down to the train/ bus. I walk before my shift starts. I walk home from the bus/ train. I do weights and crunches about three times a week and I pole dance whenever the mood strikes me. I’m sleeping 7 hours a night instead of 10 but I feel more rested and I don’t nap anymore. I have less days where I don’t feel like getting off the sofa, they’re still there but it’s definitely less frequent. But, there is no significant change to my weight. I think I’ve maybe lost another two or three pounds.
The thing is my motivation is gone. And when my motivation is gone, I let things slip by. I ‘forget’ to do assignments for school, laundry gets delayed, my room gets messier. I just stop caring about things that don’t have a tangible and instant goal or gratification. Yes, the gratification needs to come faster than clean laundry. I can understand why in the past I’ve turned to food or alcohol or sex or the internet for that kind of satisfaction. Thank Goodness, I never tried crack. As far as food and alcohol goes, it’s not very respectful to my body or myself to try and ‘fix’ what ails me with chocolate chip cookies and red wine (mmm chocolate chip cookies and red wine). But it works, or at least it works for an hour, sometimes two. Sex, I’m not giving up but for the past year I’ve been correcting my bad habits of confusing sex with love and confusing orgasms with validation. As for the internet, I love it. It numbs my mind so that I don’t have to concentrate on term papers, bills, or what so-and-so said about what’s-her-face. Eating isn’t bad, drinking isn’t bad, Sex and the internet aren’t bad, but using them as sources for happiness is bad because it’s a false happiness. Boyfriends can be a source of part of your happiness but they shouldn’t be what the happiness is dependent on.
I need to make changes in my life. My down days are starting to outnumber my not down days. I want it to be the other way around. I want to make progress in the project. I want to see it through to the end. I don’t want to live my sofa. So I have compiled a list of things that I have with the help of loved that could potentially get me back on track so I don’t feel like such a failure all the time. I’m also providing a timeline for each so that I can measure my progress.
*Go to counselling. Its time. There are things I need professional help to work out. And that’s all I have to say about that. (April 14th)
*Find an exercise routine (that is more intense than walking) that works for me. One that I will stick to and be excited to do. I’m thinking I should go back to martial arts, or dancing, or try going to the gym again. (May 1st)
*Find an artistic outlet. Maybe drawing, maybe playing music again. (May 1st)
*Create a clean and welcoming space for me to live in. (May 1st)
*Spend time with friends. Try to make social engagement once a week with people I love and who love me back (Ongoing)
I also want to learn to wear heels. My cousin (who is moving away soon, *pout*) gave me a late birthday present yesterday, a book called The Girl’s Guide to Almost Everything. It’s pretty rad. I predict it will have some influence over my blog. But the author frequently talks about wearing heels as a way to brighten up your day, and I believe that to be true. I think that you can make yourself feel better by looking really hot. She mentions something to the effect of the shittier you feel, the more elegant you should dress. Beauty is skin deep but sometimes the transformation can happen from the outside in.
I mentioned that I’ve lost almost no weight, but there has been changes in the way I am viewed by others. I get hit on way more than I ever have before. Maybe I didn’t notice before, but I get called beautiful daily by people I don’t know. I’m not sure what to gather from this. Do I come across as more confident, approachable, friendly than I did before? Have I actually lost weight and my scale is just fucking with me? People in general think I’m charming, funny, and hot. I’m, for once, not being conceited because they feel the need to inform me that I am charming, funny, and hot. Was it because I used to have a shaved head and now I have hair? Do I carry myself differently? I have no idea, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like.
Pole video is coming. I’m having technical difficulties. My webcam lacks the ability to show enough of me or the pole so I’m trying to come up with a solution. If I can’t find one by next week then I’ll just post a poor quality video and you’ll have to deal with it.
Tazo tea’s Zen tea is a nice alt to wine, in case anyone was wondering.
Apples are a good alt to cookies.
Okay I’m going to try to be a grown up for a little bit now. Next week, how to fake it!
Love,
The big d
Sunday, March 28, 2010
makeup!
I have written and re-written this post multiple times and the conclusion that I have come to is that makeup is really boring to write about. I also started questioning why I put more effort into my blog posts than my homework. Hmm... Anyways, makeup is supposed to make us look prettier. I have come up with criteria for a pretty face based off the half assed research I did while I was watching Doctor Who and cooking dinner and painting my nails. So here it is:
-Symmetry: Some scientists did a study somewhere, and they found that a large number of people prefer symmetrical facial to non symmetrical. If you believe in evolution then apparently that is somehow responsible for this and it is mirrored in the animal kingdom. If you don’t believe in evolution, then I guess God is just fucking with humanity again or maybe there is something in the bible explaining it. I don’t know. I just know what they (aka the board of shadowy figures) say and they say that people are attracted to people with symmetrical faces.
There is a lot that makeup can do but short of cosmetic surgery or the makeup artist ensemble of Avatar, I’m not really sure how to fix a noticeable lack of symmetry in the face. All I would suggest is to not emphasis any irregularities. For example if your left eye is larger than your right, don’t highlight it with hot pink eye shadow. Actually, do us all a favour, avoid hot pink eye shadow all together, everyone. You are not pretty woman.
-Youth: Yup the younger you look, the ‘prettier’ you become. I know it’s not fair. Wisdom and experience should be considered beautiful. Angelica Houston is one of the sexiest women alive and I’m kicking myself for forgetting her on my list. I’ve had a crush on her since Witches even though she scared the crap out of me. But my point, it’s not fair but it makes sense. Humans are here to procreate, its built into our genes to find someone to reproduce with who is fertile and generally speaking women lose the fertileness around the time they get wrinkles.
Having good skin helps. But a good foundation and cover up and powder can hide a multitude of sins. Accentuating your eyes by using an eye liner or creating smoky eyes make them look bigger and wider to fake that innocence. Ironically enough a dark shadow used for the smoky eyes will create bedroom eyes that scream come hither. So you’ll be a wide eyed, innocent little virgin waiting to be fucked.
-Clear skin: Bah, bane of my existence. I’m 25, I drink boat loads of water, I wash my face with a 4 step system and I still get acne. Sigh. Clear skin is sexy because I don’t have it. POUT. Okay sorry. I think this one goes make to choosing a mate to parent mankind with. Clear skin indicates youth, health, and fertility, all qualities you’d look for in a gal you wanna knock up.
Drink lots of water. Find a skin care regime that works for you. Wash your face in the morning and before you go to bed. Moisturize with an SPF moisturizer. Eat foods that are good for you. And if you still are a mess, then all hail Cover Girl.
-Lips. Apparently the lips on your face mirror your twat’s lips. So the redder and fuller they are then the readier you look for sex. Mmm... Think about that the next time you kiss your grandparents. Whether or not that is the reason full lips are considered sexy, there is truth to full lips being sexier. Think of Angelina Jolie.
If you have thin lips use a lip liner pencil to trace the outside of your lips. Don’t go overboard so you look like a clown. Then fill in the rest of your lips and use a gloss on top of that. If you already have full lips you may want to use a mat lip stick over a gloss as to not call too much attention to your kisser. Too much of a good thing may still be a good thing but it’s also still too much. You don’t need to rub it in to the rest of us. If you have somewhere between thin and super full lips then you can go for either gloss or a mat lip colour.
*A note on colour. Very few people can successfully pull of lady of the night red. So unless you’ve got a whole 1930’s movie harlot thing going on (with hair and makeup and wardrobe) or you’re going for the look of a street walker then you’ll want to pick something a little more natural looking. The friendly sales girl at your local makeup counter will likely be more than happy to help you find what you need.
I was going to make a video to show you how to put on makeup but the truth is that I really don’t have any authority on putting on makeup. In all honesty, the entire contents of my makeup bag is likely less than $100. I use $2 mascara. It serves its purpose for me but I know it’s not top of the line awesome shit that an educated makeup artist would tell you to wear. But I did find this video on the youtube for your viewing pleasure.
As colour goes I think natural colours are more appealing to men. I have this theory that women wear makeup for other women more than they do for men. Men don’t know half the time whether or not women wear makeup or how it was applied or what colour they are wearing. And I’m pretty sure electric blue and neon green scare them a little bit. So stick to the natural colour palate. But black is always good, says the girl who works in a goth shop.
Random Tips
-Think about where/ when you are wearing your makeup. Vamping it up may not be appropriate for a PTA meeting. Going fresh faced isn’t always the best idea for a gown/ tux gala event. You’re going to do your hair, do your face too.
-Drag queens are men performing the female gender. It is supposed to be exaggerated because it’s a performance. You are not performing. Don’t be heavy handed with your makeup.
-Don’t wear makeup to the gym. It’s bad for your skin. Plus your there to work out not get a man. It’s a health club not a dance club. Also you’ll look like a tool.
I’m sorry if this post has come across as trite. As a youngster, I wanted to be a makeup artist. I had books and a kit with every colour of every product imaginable. If I had written this ten years ago, it would have been much more interesting. When I sat down to write about makeup I was drawing a blank. I’m sorry. I blame the government.
Next week is my monthly update which will include a video of my pole dancing and belly dancing. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. I think I’ve only managed to maintain, but we’ll see next week.
Love
Devo (whip it. Whip it, good.)
-Symmetry: Some scientists did a study somewhere, and they found that a large number of people prefer symmetrical facial to non symmetrical. If you believe in evolution then apparently that is somehow responsible for this and it is mirrored in the animal kingdom. If you don’t believe in evolution, then I guess God is just fucking with humanity again or maybe there is something in the bible explaining it. I don’t know. I just know what they (aka the board of shadowy figures) say and they say that people are attracted to people with symmetrical faces.
There is a lot that makeup can do but short of cosmetic surgery or the makeup artist ensemble of Avatar, I’m not really sure how to fix a noticeable lack of symmetry in the face. All I would suggest is to not emphasis any irregularities. For example if your left eye is larger than your right, don’t highlight it with hot pink eye shadow. Actually, do us all a favour, avoid hot pink eye shadow all together, everyone. You are not pretty woman.
-Youth: Yup the younger you look, the ‘prettier’ you become. I know it’s not fair. Wisdom and experience should be considered beautiful. Angelica Houston is one of the sexiest women alive and I’m kicking myself for forgetting her on my list. I’ve had a crush on her since Witches even though she scared the crap out of me. But my point, it’s not fair but it makes sense. Humans are here to procreate, its built into our genes to find someone to reproduce with who is fertile and generally speaking women lose the fertileness around the time they get wrinkles.
Having good skin helps. But a good foundation and cover up and powder can hide a multitude of sins. Accentuating your eyes by using an eye liner or creating smoky eyes make them look bigger and wider to fake that innocence. Ironically enough a dark shadow used for the smoky eyes will create bedroom eyes that scream come hither. So you’ll be a wide eyed, innocent little virgin waiting to be fucked.
-Clear skin: Bah, bane of my existence. I’m 25, I drink boat loads of water, I wash my face with a 4 step system and I still get acne. Sigh. Clear skin is sexy because I don’t have it. POUT. Okay sorry. I think this one goes make to choosing a mate to parent mankind with. Clear skin indicates youth, health, and fertility, all qualities you’d look for in a gal you wanna knock up.
Drink lots of water. Find a skin care regime that works for you. Wash your face in the morning and before you go to bed. Moisturize with an SPF moisturizer. Eat foods that are good for you. And if you still are a mess, then all hail Cover Girl.
-Lips. Apparently the lips on your face mirror your twat’s lips. So the redder and fuller they are then the readier you look for sex. Mmm... Think about that the next time you kiss your grandparents. Whether or not that is the reason full lips are considered sexy, there is truth to full lips being sexier. Think of Angelina Jolie.
If you have thin lips use a lip liner pencil to trace the outside of your lips. Don’t go overboard so you look like a clown. Then fill in the rest of your lips and use a gloss on top of that. If you already have full lips you may want to use a mat lip stick over a gloss as to not call too much attention to your kisser. Too much of a good thing may still be a good thing but it’s also still too much. You don’t need to rub it in to the rest of us. If you have somewhere between thin and super full lips then you can go for either gloss or a mat lip colour.
*A note on colour. Very few people can successfully pull of lady of the night red. So unless you’ve got a whole 1930’s movie harlot thing going on (with hair and makeup and wardrobe) or you’re going for the look of a street walker then you’ll want to pick something a little more natural looking. The friendly sales girl at your local makeup counter will likely be more than happy to help you find what you need.
I was going to make a video to show you how to put on makeup but the truth is that I really don’t have any authority on putting on makeup. In all honesty, the entire contents of my makeup bag is likely less than $100. I use $2 mascara. It serves its purpose for me but I know it’s not top of the line awesome shit that an educated makeup artist would tell you to wear. But I did find this video on the youtube for your viewing pleasure.
As colour goes I think natural colours are more appealing to men. I have this theory that women wear makeup for other women more than they do for men. Men don’t know half the time whether or not women wear makeup or how it was applied or what colour they are wearing. And I’m pretty sure electric blue and neon green scare them a little bit. So stick to the natural colour palate. But black is always good, says the girl who works in a goth shop.
Random Tips
-Think about where/ when you are wearing your makeup. Vamping it up may not be appropriate for a PTA meeting. Going fresh faced isn’t always the best idea for a gown/ tux gala event. You’re going to do your hair, do your face too.
-Drag queens are men performing the female gender. It is supposed to be exaggerated because it’s a performance. You are not performing. Don’t be heavy handed with your makeup.
-Don’t wear makeup to the gym. It’s bad for your skin. Plus your there to work out not get a man. It’s a health club not a dance club. Also you’ll look like a tool.
I’m sorry if this post has come across as trite. As a youngster, I wanted to be a makeup artist. I had books and a kit with every colour of every product imaginable. If I had written this ten years ago, it would have been much more interesting. When I sat down to write about makeup I was drawing a blank. I’m sorry. I blame the government.
Next week is my monthly update which will include a video of my pole dancing and belly dancing. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. I think I’ve only managed to maintain, but we’ll see next week.
Love
Devo (whip it. Whip it, good.)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
RANT
Oh baby, its rant time.
Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that for actresses, tv personalities, models, and even singers being gorgeous is part of the job. There are whole teams of people assigned to making sure that they look good. Nutritionist tell them what to eat, trainers tell how to exercise, dermatologists make their skin flawless, makeup artists make their skin more flawless, photo shop artists make their skin even more flawless (not to mention make their tits look bigger, their waist look smaller, and plethora of other alterations), and the photography team makes sure all their equipment erase any other ‘imperfections’.
My body is perfect. With maybe the exception of a slight chemical imbalance in my brain, it does everything it is supposed to do, and it does it all without me consciously having to tell it to. Blood circulates, wounds heal, nose hair filters, and my body is functionally perfect. So why can’t I just be grateful and enjoy that I have this high tech, brilliant piece of machinery at my disposal to carry around my sentient, conscious self? It’s the sentient, conscious self that prevents me from just being grateful. The thing that makes me human prevents me from appreciating my perfect body, which is kind of ironic because it’s that human part that allows me to be aware that it should be appreciated. Did that make anyone else dizzy?
You may be thinking ‘Devon, I enjoy your blog, but where the fuck are you going with this? Last week you said you were going to talk about makeup. I’m confused. You haven’t even said fucking this or fucking that yet.” Well first of all fucking fuck. Second of all, I lied, makeup will come later. And third, I need to get this out of me, off my chest, out the door, and if possible on a rocket to the fucking moon.
I got my fucking period this week and I was PMSing like mad. I ate an entire chocolate shop (including the poor sales girl), I listened to so much Cake that I wondered if any relationship ever works out, I projectile vomited, I gained weight, and I felt so fucking insecure that it lead to some very poor decisions on my part as well as several fits of uncontrollable crying. Luckily, I was able to keep being mean to a minimum, or at least to other people. I was very, very mean to myself. If I could bruise from mentally beating myself up; I would be blacker and bluer than if I was pushed down a couple of flights of stairs followed by being run over by an elephant.
I am told I am a confident woman. I feel more confident now than I ever have before. I don’t take shit anymore. I tell people to fuck off when they put me down or get in my space or whatever and once in a while I hit them when they don’t listen. But fuck me, I felt so shitty this week that I could have been convinced to join a cult and drink the Kool-Aid that will send me to utopia. I felt so broken. I felt fat, ugly, old, stupid, dull, and bitchy, I was drawn into this perpetual cycle of being not good enough. I felt like everyone knew that I wasn’t good enough but that they hung around me because there was nothing better to do (note to anyone who feels this way 24/7, see a doctor. You might be depressed.).
I convinced myself that my editor wanted to edit for someone else even though he’s never said or done anything to suggest he felt that way, aside from comment on the attractiveness of another writer. I am so fucking aware that someone else being attractive doesn’t make me unattractive. I find so many men and women really fucking hot. I have a mad crush on Nathan Fillion and I would give Amanda Palmer tongue any day of the week but that doesn’t diminish my (purely professional) attraction to my super sexy editor. And yet, I felt like he wanted to work for this other girl instead. I started looking top ten sexiest women lists and comparing myself to them and I kept coming up short. It compounded until in my stupidity and insecurity I asked my editor if he thought I actually needed to lose weight. He said yes. And I shut down. In his defense, he reminded me that losing weight is part of this blog, and that I seem happier when I weigh a bit less. Also he didn’t know what had been going through my head because I hadn’t told him. He didn’t mean I was fat. He didn’t mean I wasn’t sexy. He didn’t mean that he didn’t find me attractive. But in my head, all those things came rushing at me. So I hid in my almost dark room and belly danced until I didn’t feel like crying anymore.
What’s the fucking point of my story? It is that I have this belief that women are conditioned to be insecure. It might be an evolutionary thing. We must look better than our sisters so that we can get the best seed to secure our legacy. It might be a capitalist economical thing. If we are happy with our selves then we won’t need to buy things to make us better. It might be the media creating a need to fill. If we don’t need someone to tell us how to be then all those tv make over show hosts, entertainment gossipers, talk show hosts ect would be out of work. It may be everything combined. It may all be fucking bullshit. But using other women as a measuring stick needs to stop because there will always be someone thinner, pretty, bustier, flatter, and curvier out there and the insecurity will always be there. It will work its way through the cracks and fuck up your life. You need to love your fucking body all the fucking time because without it, you’d just be a brain in a jar. As soon as I figure out how to do this, I will let you know. I love my body 84.7% of the time. I know that everyone needs to be down occasionally to experience the good but not loving my body shouldn’t be part of that. There’s enough crap in life to be depressed about it, my perfectly functional body should/ will not be part of that crap.
That being said, I’m not giving up. I’m continuing with my blog and this project. But at the end of the day, my primary concern is that I’m going to do what is best for me physically and mentally. So if I need to eat a fucking cookie, stand naked in front of a mirror and love/ appreciate the way I look right now, then I will. And if a week after I eat that cookie I regret it when I’m looking at a picture of Meagan Fox, I’m going to tell her to lick my clit and love that I have a fabulous, fat filled pair of knockers.
Sexy is what I say it is, and damn I’m a sexy chick.
Next week is makeup, no for real this time.
Kisses
D.D.
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