finishing what i sta...

I have trouble finishing what I start. When I was a teenager, my parents forced me to finish what I started. I got my black belt. I played piano for 16 years. I graduated high school with a bilingual diploma (and honours). I got the highest award you can receive in a non leader position for Girl Guides. I had all my brownie badges. But now that I’m a poor excuse for an adult and I have no one to ground me or guilt me or force me into finishing things, now I have problems with following through. Even things that are free, or take minimum effort. Finishing things feels good. Reaching goals feels good. Or at least, I think they do, I haven’t been on top of that for so long that I’m not really sure anymore.
I have debt. I’ve been in university for 7 years and I don’t have a degree. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I don’t even have goldfish. I don’t own a car or a home. I can’t speak Japanese and I’ve never been to Europe. Is it any surprise that I’m on anti-depressants? By society’s standards I’m a complete and utter failure.
Why am I bringing this up? I have a point, I really do. I haven’t lost any weight yet. I’ve been blaming everything from school to lack of motivation to depression but the cold hard truth is I’m not exercising enough or at all. Or trying to. The truth is, I don’t think I need to. I am stubborn. I had decided before I even started that losing weight/ adhering to media standards’ of beauty wouldn’t make me a happier or better person. I had decided that if I did feel any better that it would be because I was writing or that I had project to keep my mind active or that I was following through with something I started.
I like the way I look. I think that’s part of the problem. I have a really nice body, a fabulous wardrobe, and I try not to leave the house without doing my makeup or hair. I have open body language, I make eye contact, I smile, I say hello to people when I pass them on the street, I listen, I ask questions, I engage in conversation and as a result I get hit on a lot. People open up to me really easily. I’m not sure why but they do. At work, more often than not, I’ll know intimate details of strangers lives and sex lives. On the bus or train, I’ll learn why someone’s marriage fell apart or about how they fell in love. I get told multiple times a day (by people I don’t know) that I’m beautiful or hot or cute or whatever. I like it.
Now it is arguable that I’m hiding behind this so that I can’t fail. If I stop trying to lose weight then I can’t fail at it right? I can claim superiority because I’m sticking up for ‘natural’ beauty. I’m being a feminist and making curves be sexy and all that stuff Dove commercials preach. But then on the other hand, setting up impossible standards set forth by the media puts me in constant turmoil. Can I eat that cookie? How many calories is it? Did I exercise enough today? Am I fatter than her? Is she prettier than me? And that doesn’t really seem like a healthy state of mind either. So do I live in denial or do I live in a place where I can’t succeed? Should my goal just be to be healthy? Is that measurable?
I think I have trouble living in the moment. No, I don’t think, I know. I envy people who can say ‘what would make me happy now?’ and then do it. I have so much difficulty thinking in terms of ‘I’m going for a run now.’ I think in terms of ‘Later, I’ll run but first, but first, but first...’ or ‘why should I waste time running its not doing anything. I don’t see results.’ I’ll use the latter sometimes before I’ve even gone for one run. I do it everywhere. Where is this relationship going, I don’t want to stick around if it’s not going to last. I’m not going to do my homework because this class will not be important to my career. This cookie won’t affect my weight, I’m over weight anyways. I’m always making excuses for me not to try because success isn’t tangible right at that moment so it might as well not be tangible ever. I can’t seem to just enjoy running or a time with someone I care about or the fact that I’m learning about something interesting.
I don’t really know how to change. I thought that maybe starting on something like my appearance and getting control of that, that I could justify letting sticking with it permeate to the rest of my life, but here I am with 2 months left and I’ve only lost 5 of the 30 pounds I set out to lose. I’m eating healthier and I walk whenever I can but I’m not exercising. Do I give in to just being a bit of a loser and hope for the best? I feel like that metaphorical flame inside me gets dimmer with every year that passes and that eventually I will need to submit to the possibility of mediocrity, normalcy, and dullness. I mean if so then I should have gotten married when I had the chance at 18. At least then, I would have done something with my life. I probably would have had children too. I’m not sure that there’s an answer. And, obviously, I’m aware that if I don’t lose 30 pounds it doesn’t make me a failure at life. If I can’t do this, it doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. But it would be one more thing I didn’t finish, one more thing I failed at, one more thing I didn’t do.
I think I should keep trying. If I don’t like the way I look then I guess I can eat cheese cake until I gain it all back. I just wish I could figure out a way to be motivated.
I think next week I may need to revisit confidence. Yes, I think confidence is the way to go.
Love
Plain old Devon.