I’m being healthy. I’m eating well. I had a McDonald’s hamburger the other day and it just about killed me. Excessive sugar makes me sick to my stomach, whereas before I lived off excessive amounts of sugar. I’m partaking in light to moderate exercise every day. Mostly, I’ve been walking. I walk down to the train/ bus. I walk before my shift starts. I walk home from the bus/ train. I do weights and crunches about three times a week and I pole dance whenever the mood strikes me. I’m sleeping 7 hours a night instead of 10 but I feel more rested and I don’t nap anymore. I have less days where I don’t feel like getting off the sofa, they’re still there but it’s definitely less frequent. But, there is no significant change to my weight. I think I’ve maybe lost another two or three pounds.
The thing is my motivation is gone. And when my motivation is gone, I let things slip by. I ‘forget’ to do assignments for school, laundry gets delayed, my room gets messier. I just stop caring about things that don’t have a tangible and instant goal or gratification. Yes, the gratification needs to come faster than clean laundry. I can understand why in the past I’ve turned to food or alcohol or sex or the internet for that kind of satisfaction. Thank Goodness, I never tried crack. As far as food and alcohol goes, it’s not very respectful to my body or myself to try and ‘fix’ what ails me with chocolate chip cookies and red wine (mmm chocolate chip cookies and red wine). But it works, or at least it works for an hour, sometimes two. Sex, I’m not giving up but for the past year I’ve been correcting my bad habits of confusing sex with love and confusing orgasms with validation. As for the internet, I love it. It numbs my mind so that I don’t have to concentrate on term papers, bills, or what so-and-so said about what’s-her-face. Eating isn’t bad, drinking isn’t bad, Sex and the internet aren’t bad, but using them as sources for happiness is bad because it’s a false happiness. Boyfriends can be a source of part of your happiness but they shouldn’t be what the happiness is dependent on.
I need to make changes in my life. My down days are starting to outnumber my not down days. I want it to be the other way around. I want to make progress in the project. I want to see it through to the end. I don’t want to live my sofa. So I have compiled a list of things that I have with the help of loved that could potentially get me back on track so I don’t feel like such a failure all the time. I’m also providing a timeline for each so that I can measure my progress.
*Go to counselling. Its time. There are things I need professional help to work out. And that’s all I have to say about that. (April 14th)
*Find an exercise routine (that is more intense than walking) that works for me. One that I will stick to and be excited to do. I’m thinking I should go back to martial arts, or dancing, or try going to the gym again. (May 1st)
*Find an artistic outlet. Maybe drawing, maybe playing music again. (May 1st)
*Create a clean and welcoming space for me to live in. (May 1st)
*Spend time with friends. Try to make social engagement once a week with people I love and who love me back (Ongoing)
I also want to learn to wear heels. My cousin (who is moving away soon, *pout*) gave me a late birthday present yesterday, a book called The Girl’s Guide to Almost Everything. It’s pretty rad. I predict it will have some influence over my blog. But the author frequently talks about wearing heels as a way to brighten up your day, and I believe that to be true. I think that you can make yourself feel better by looking really hot. She mentions something to the effect of the shittier you feel, the more elegant you should dress. Beauty is skin deep but sometimes the transformation can happen from the outside in.
I mentioned that I’ve lost almost no weight, but there has been changes in the way I am viewed by others. I get hit on way more than I ever have before. Maybe I didn’t notice before, but I get called beautiful daily by people I don’t know. I’m not sure what to gather from this. Do I come across as more confident, approachable, friendly than I did before? Have I actually lost weight and my scale is just fucking with me? People in general think I’m charming, funny, and hot. I’m, for once, not being conceited because they feel the need to inform me that I am charming, funny, and hot. Was it because I used to have a shaved head and now I have hair? Do I carry myself differently? I have no idea, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like.
Pole video is coming. I’m having technical difficulties. My webcam lacks the ability to show enough of me or the pole so I’m trying to come up with a solution. If I can’t find one by next week then I’ll just post a poor quality video and you’ll have to deal with it.
Tazo tea’s Zen tea is a nice alt to wine, in case anyone was wondering.
Apples are a good alt to cookies.
Okay I’m going to try to be a grown up for a little bit now. Next week, how to fake it!
Love,
The big d
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