Orgasms should never be faked because that’s just not beneficial to you in any way, shape or form. But life isn’t perfect and sometimes things need to be faked for the benefit of mankind, for example receiving the most God awful ugly Christmas tree sweater from your dying great aunt as a gift. Smile big, say thank you, hug the women and put on the fucking sweater. She’s like a million years old, just grit your teeth and wear it for every Christmas she has left. Then burn it.
How to Fake that you’re interested/ interesting:
As a person working in retail (and I’m sure anyone in the service industry would relate), I have to frequently fake that I care and am interested in the minute details of people’s personal lives. Being that I work in a niche that caters not only to bridal and grad but also the fetish market in the area, I also get to hear about the minute details of people’s sexual lives too. Glossed over eyes and a fake smile doesn’t cut it, so here is how to look/ sound interested when you actually want to run screaming in the opposite direction. *Note to readers, if you have the gut feeling that someone means you harm, you should actually run, maybe even run screaming depending on the situation.*
• Before you talk to a person, make eye contact and smile. If you don’t know them, you will likely catch off guard and possibly make their day. If you do know them, you’ll probably still catch them off guard. It starts you off on the right foot and you may make a new friend.
• Make eye contact. Some people have difficulty with this. If making eye contact makes you uncomfortable, look them in the eye when they’re talking but look around the room when you speak. Make it look like it’s for emphasis. If you’re talking about a time when you were frustrated, roll your eyes; if you’re speaking of a time you were sad, look down; if you’re speaking of a time you were elated look up and smile. If you are asking a question though, you should maintain the eye contact. Don’t do the creepy, no blink stare.
• Giggle or laugh when they laugh. Pick up on their body language and mirror it. I don’t mean mime style but use their motions and facial expression to understand what they want you to do and then react accordingly. Smile if they smile. Offer sympathy if they look sad. Get angry with them if they act angry.
• Ask questions. People want to talk about themselves. You will come across as more interesting if you say little about yourself and ask many questions.
• If you are going to talk about yourself, limit yourself to short antidotes that are relevant to what the other person is saying. If they ask you a question, avoid one word answers but keep your answers short and leave room for continued conversation. For example, “Do you like movies?” “Oh yes. I’m a huge movie geek, do you?” or “I’ve never really been one to sit still for very long so I don’t generally watch movies but I enjoyed Fern Gully,” not “yeah” or “I hate movies.” Be honest with your answers, lies are difficult to keep tract of.
• When you do talk about yourself try to stay away from going on about your problems. If you really need to get things off your chest go to a close friend or a counsellor. Strangers don’t need or want to know your issues.
How to Fake flirting:
I don’t really want to encourage or discourage using your sexuality to get what you want, that’s your life and your business and you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences. But sometimes a little flirting can get you far. Everyone likes to feel attractive. Everyone likes to feel wanted. Everyone likes to feel sexually desirable. So stroke that ego a little if it means you get a free upgrade or extra toppings or a discount or a sale. Plus its fun and your ego gets a little stroke in return when it works. If it doesn’t work, remember, its them not you. You are fabulous.
• Use all interested/ interesting tactics, that is step one and sometimes, it’s the only step you need.
• Maintain eye contact a split second longer than you normally would and then look down and smile. Basically you want to give the impression that you were caught checking them out and you didn’t want to be.
• Tilt your head to one side and smile when your target is talking.
• Use open body language. Don’t cross your arms, don’t have your back to them. If you can lean in, in a way that blocks you from other but leaves you completely open to them.
• Giggle a lot.
• Touch their arm lightly, any physical contact is good but make it short and sweet and light.
• If you can slip in a compliment. Wait for an opening. If they make some kind of crack about their physical appearance that is not complimentary, they are basically asking for a compliment. For example “Awe man, I’m so hairy I look like an ape naked” “I don’t know, I think body hair on men is kind of sexy” following by eye contact then look down and giggle or if you’re feeling brave “Oh I’d like to see that” followed by giggle and quick change of subject.
• Take compliments graciously. Say thank you. Or if you’re cocky like me say “I know, I’m freaking hot. You’re lucky to be standing beside me,” followed by a giggle and a light shove where your hand lingers on their arm.
• If they’re not offering what you want, ask for it in a fun, goofy, flirty voice. For example “So you gonna sit me in first class or what?” If they say yes, then excellent. If they say no, pass it off as a joke. If they ask for your number, give it to them if you want. If you don’t want to reply in one of two ways: give them your e-mail (its less personal) or say “oh my, I think things are moving too quickly! I don’t want to get pregnant. Ask me next time I see you, so I know you’re serious.” Then don’t go back or just deal with it the next time you see them.
• Keep it short and sweet, get what you want and get out.
How to Fake you’ve lost weight (when you actually haven’t):
Okay so sometimes dieting and eating right doesn’t give you the result you want in time for the event where your ex will be and you need to be fabulous (remember you already are fabulous). Here’s some quick fixes to make it look like you’ve lost more than the 190 ilbs of dead beat asshole you dumped four months ago:
• Get a fabulous hair cut and colour. Use mis-direction. People will see you looking hot and focus on that. They’ll say “Oh my God, you look fabulous, have you lost weight?” because they have no idea why you look so good but the point is that they know you look good.
• Do your makeup. Same reason as the hair. Its mis-direction and smoke and mirrors. Stay on the natural side so that they’re not sure if you’re naturally this gorgeous or if you had help from Cover Girl.
• Invest in Spanx or a corset. Spanx is more affordable and if it’s a day time event then a corset may not be appropriate. It will smooth you out and suck you in. It will look like you’ve at least lost 10 ilbs. Corsets make your breasts look bigger.
• Get an awesome bra. If you’re less than a C cup, get a water or air bra. If you’re bigger than a C cup, underwire, pushup, and padding. The bigger your tits are the smaller your waist will look. Just don’t go too over board. Triple K boobs maybe overwhelming.
• Wear heals 3 inches or higher. This will make your legs look longer, and your butt and legs look more toned. If you are going to wear stockings vertical stripes will elongate but isn’t always style appropriate. Seam up the back are sexy and gives a similar effect. Good quality, non saggy fishnets will make your legs look more shapely. Bare legs are good too (even pale ones like mine) but keep skirt length in mind. Super short skirts will make legs appear longer but if you hate your thighs maybe not the best idea. Long skirts will have the same effect, just make sure you steer clear of the matronly Mormon look. Anything in between should be done with caution as it can chop you up which makes you look short and heavier. Dress pants or jeans are good with heals. Sweat pants, pj pants, gi pants, yoga pants, cargo pants, actually any sports pants or pant you would wear to do garden in are not suitable to wear with heals.
• Pick the parts of you and accentuate them. Don’t focus on hiding the bad parts but instead highlighting the fabulous parts. Great rack= V neck sweaters are your friend. Tiny waist= waist belts. Long legs= miniskirts. Junk in the Trunk= pencil skirts.
• Wear clothing that fits you. Whether your clothing is too tight or too loose, it will make you look heavier. If you have to have someone help you into your jeans then they are too small. If you can fit someone else in your t-shirt then it is too big. When in doubt, ask a friendly sales associate.
Next week I think its update time. I’m sorry about being not on top of the last few weeks. Finals, papers, and general stress was just a bit too much to be able to keep up with. But now the semester is over! Yay!
Fake it till you make it.
D
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
oh the lateness...
So I missed a post last week. I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit all over the place.
I’m being healthy. I’m eating well. I had a McDonald’s hamburger the other day and it just about killed me. Excessive sugar makes me sick to my stomach, whereas before I lived off excessive amounts of sugar. I’m partaking in light to moderate exercise every day. Mostly, I’ve been walking. I walk down to the train/ bus. I walk before my shift starts. I walk home from the bus/ train. I do weights and crunches about three times a week and I pole dance whenever the mood strikes me. I’m sleeping 7 hours a night instead of 10 but I feel more rested and I don’t nap anymore. I have less days where I don’t feel like getting off the sofa, they’re still there but it’s definitely less frequent. But, there is no significant change to my weight. I think I’ve maybe lost another two or three pounds.
The thing is my motivation is gone. And when my motivation is gone, I let things slip by. I ‘forget’ to do assignments for school, laundry gets delayed, my room gets messier. I just stop caring about things that don’t have a tangible and instant goal or gratification. Yes, the gratification needs to come faster than clean laundry. I can understand why in the past I’ve turned to food or alcohol or sex or the internet for that kind of satisfaction. Thank Goodness, I never tried crack. As far as food and alcohol goes, it’s not very respectful to my body or myself to try and ‘fix’ what ails me with chocolate chip cookies and red wine (mmm chocolate chip cookies and red wine). But it works, or at least it works for an hour, sometimes two. Sex, I’m not giving up but for the past year I’ve been correcting my bad habits of confusing sex with love and confusing orgasms with validation. As for the internet, I love it. It numbs my mind so that I don’t have to concentrate on term papers, bills, or what so-and-so said about what’s-her-face. Eating isn’t bad, drinking isn’t bad, Sex and the internet aren’t bad, but using them as sources for happiness is bad because it’s a false happiness. Boyfriends can be a source of part of your happiness but they shouldn’t be what the happiness is dependent on.
I need to make changes in my life. My down days are starting to outnumber my not down days. I want it to be the other way around. I want to make progress in the project. I want to see it through to the end. I don’t want to live my sofa. So I have compiled a list of things that I have with the help of loved that could potentially get me back on track so I don’t feel like such a failure all the time. I’m also providing a timeline for each so that I can measure my progress.
*Go to counselling. Its time. There are things I need professional help to work out. And that’s all I have to say about that. (April 14th)
*Find an exercise routine (that is more intense than walking) that works for me. One that I will stick to and be excited to do. I’m thinking I should go back to martial arts, or dancing, or try going to the gym again. (May 1st)
*Find an artistic outlet. Maybe drawing, maybe playing music again. (May 1st)
*Create a clean and welcoming space for me to live in. (May 1st)
*Spend time with friends. Try to make social engagement once a week with people I love and who love me back (Ongoing)
I also want to learn to wear heels. My cousin (who is moving away soon, *pout*) gave me a late birthday present yesterday, a book called The Girl’s Guide to Almost Everything. It’s pretty rad. I predict it will have some influence over my blog. But the author frequently talks about wearing heels as a way to brighten up your day, and I believe that to be true. I think that you can make yourself feel better by looking really hot. She mentions something to the effect of the shittier you feel, the more elegant you should dress. Beauty is skin deep but sometimes the transformation can happen from the outside in.
I mentioned that I’ve lost almost no weight, but there has been changes in the way I am viewed by others. I get hit on way more than I ever have before. Maybe I didn’t notice before, but I get called beautiful daily by people I don’t know. I’m not sure what to gather from this. Do I come across as more confident, approachable, friendly than I did before? Have I actually lost weight and my scale is just fucking with me? People in general think I’m charming, funny, and hot. I’m, for once, not being conceited because they feel the need to inform me that I am charming, funny, and hot. Was it because I used to have a shaved head and now I have hair? Do I carry myself differently? I have no idea, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like.
Pole video is coming. I’m having technical difficulties. My webcam lacks the ability to show enough of me or the pole so I’m trying to come up with a solution. If I can’t find one by next week then I’ll just post a poor quality video and you’ll have to deal with it.
Tazo tea’s Zen tea is a nice alt to wine, in case anyone was wondering.
Apples are a good alt to cookies.
Okay I’m going to try to be a grown up for a little bit now. Next week, how to fake it!

Love,
The big d
I’m being healthy. I’m eating well. I had a McDonald’s hamburger the other day and it just about killed me. Excessive sugar makes me sick to my stomach, whereas before I lived off excessive amounts of sugar. I’m partaking in light to moderate exercise every day. Mostly, I’ve been walking. I walk down to the train/ bus. I walk before my shift starts. I walk home from the bus/ train. I do weights and crunches about three times a week and I pole dance whenever the mood strikes me. I’m sleeping 7 hours a night instead of 10 but I feel more rested and I don’t nap anymore. I have less days where I don’t feel like getting off the sofa, they’re still there but it’s definitely less frequent. But, there is no significant change to my weight. I think I’ve maybe lost another two or three pounds.
The thing is my motivation is gone. And when my motivation is gone, I let things slip by. I ‘forget’ to do assignments for school, laundry gets delayed, my room gets messier. I just stop caring about things that don’t have a tangible and instant goal or gratification. Yes, the gratification needs to come faster than clean laundry. I can understand why in the past I’ve turned to food or alcohol or sex or the internet for that kind of satisfaction. Thank Goodness, I never tried crack. As far as food and alcohol goes, it’s not very respectful to my body or myself to try and ‘fix’ what ails me with chocolate chip cookies and red wine (mmm chocolate chip cookies and red wine). But it works, or at least it works for an hour, sometimes two. Sex, I’m not giving up but for the past year I’ve been correcting my bad habits of confusing sex with love and confusing orgasms with validation. As for the internet, I love it. It numbs my mind so that I don’t have to concentrate on term papers, bills, or what so-and-so said about what’s-her-face. Eating isn’t bad, drinking isn’t bad, Sex and the internet aren’t bad, but using them as sources for happiness is bad because it’s a false happiness. Boyfriends can be a source of part of your happiness but they shouldn’t be what the happiness is dependent on.
I need to make changes in my life. My down days are starting to outnumber my not down days. I want it to be the other way around. I want to make progress in the project. I want to see it through to the end. I don’t want to live my sofa. So I have compiled a list of things that I have with the help of loved that could potentially get me back on track so I don’t feel like such a failure all the time. I’m also providing a timeline for each so that I can measure my progress.
*Go to counselling. Its time. There are things I need professional help to work out. And that’s all I have to say about that. (April 14th)
*Find an exercise routine (that is more intense than walking) that works for me. One that I will stick to and be excited to do. I’m thinking I should go back to martial arts, or dancing, or try going to the gym again. (May 1st)
*Find an artistic outlet. Maybe drawing, maybe playing music again. (May 1st)
*Create a clean and welcoming space for me to live in. (May 1st)
*Spend time with friends. Try to make social engagement once a week with people I love and who love me back (Ongoing)
I also want to learn to wear heels. My cousin (who is moving away soon, *pout*) gave me a late birthday present yesterday, a book called The Girl’s Guide to Almost Everything. It’s pretty rad. I predict it will have some influence over my blog. But the author frequently talks about wearing heels as a way to brighten up your day, and I believe that to be true. I think that you can make yourself feel better by looking really hot. She mentions something to the effect of the shittier you feel, the more elegant you should dress. Beauty is skin deep but sometimes the transformation can happen from the outside in.
I mentioned that I’ve lost almost no weight, but there has been changes in the way I am viewed by others. I get hit on way more than I ever have before. Maybe I didn’t notice before, but I get called beautiful daily by people I don’t know. I’m not sure what to gather from this. Do I come across as more confident, approachable, friendly than I did before? Have I actually lost weight and my scale is just fucking with me? People in general think I’m charming, funny, and hot. I’m, for once, not being conceited because they feel the need to inform me that I am charming, funny, and hot. Was it because I used to have a shaved head and now I have hair? Do I carry myself differently? I have no idea, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like.
Pole video is coming. I’m having technical difficulties. My webcam lacks the ability to show enough of me or the pole so I’m trying to come up with a solution. If I can’t find one by next week then I’ll just post a poor quality video and you’ll have to deal with it.
Tazo tea’s Zen tea is a nice alt to wine, in case anyone was wondering.
Apples are a good alt to cookies.
Okay I’m going to try to be a grown up for a little bit now. Next week, how to fake it!

Love,
The big d
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