makeup!

I have written and re-written this post multiple times and the conclusion that I have come to is that makeup is really boring to write about. I also started questioning why I put more effort into my blog posts than my homework. Hmm... Anyways, makeup is supposed to make us look prettier. I have come up with criteria for a pretty face based off the half assed research I did while I was watching Doctor Who and cooking dinner and painting my nails. So here it is:
-Symmetry: Some scientists did a study somewhere, and they found that a large number of people prefer symmetrical facial to non symmetrical. If you believe in evolution then apparently that is somehow responsible for this and it is mirrored in the animal kingdom. If you don’t believe in evolution, then I guess God is just fucking with humanity again or maybe there is something in the bible explaining it. I don’t know. I just know what they (aka the board of shadowy figures) say and they say that people are attracted to people with symmetrical faces.
There is a lot that makeup can do but short of cosmetic surgery or the makeup artist ensemble of Avatar, I’m not really sure how to fix a noticeable lack of symmetry in the face. All I would suggest is to not emphasis any irregularities. For example if your left eye is larger than your right, don’t highlight it with hot pink eye shadow. Actually, do us all a favour, avoid hot pink eye shadow all together, everyone. You are not pretty woman.
-Youth: Yup the younger you look, the ‘prettier’ you become. I know it’s not fair. Wisdom and experience should be considered beautiful. Angelica Houston is one of the sexiest women alive and I’m kicking myself for forgetting her on my list. I’ve had a crush on her since Witches even though she scared the crap out of me. But my point, it’s not fair but it makes sense. Humans are here to procreate, its built into our genes to find someone to reproduce with who is fertile and generally speaking women lose the fertileness around the time they get wrinkles.
Having good skin helps. But a good foundation and cover up and powder can hide a multitude of sins. Accentuating your eyes by using an eye liner or creating smoky eyes make them look bigger and wider to fake that innocence. Ironically enough a dark shadow used for the smoky eyes will create bedroom eyes that scream come hither. So you’ll be a wide eyed, innocent little virgin waiting to be fucked.
-Clear skin: Bah, bane of my existence. I’m 25, I drink boat loads of water, I wash my face with a 4 step system and I still get acne. Sigh. Clear skin is sexy because I don’t have it. POUT. Okay sorry. I think this one goes make to choosing a mate to parent mankind with. Clear skin indicates youth, health, and fertility, all qualities you’d look for in a gal you wanna knock up.
Drink lots of water. Find a skin care regime that works for you. Wash your face in the morning and before you go to bed. Moisturize with an SPF moisturizer. Eat foods that are good for you. And if you still are a mess, then all hail Cover Girl.
-Lips. Apparently the lips on your face mirror your twat’s lips. So the redder and fuller they are then the readier you look for sex. Mmm... Think about that the next time you kiss your grandparents. Whether or not that is the reason full lips are considered sexy, there is truth to full lips being sexier. Think of Angelina Jolie.
If you have thin lips use a lip liner pencil to trace the outside of your lips. Don’t go overboard so you look like a clown. Then fill in the rest of your lips and use a gloss on top of that. If you already have full lips you may want to use a mat lip stick over a gloss as to not call too much attention to your kisser. Too much of a good thing may still be a good thing but it’s also still too much. You don’t need to rub it in to the rest of us. If you have somewhere between thin and super full lips then you can go for either gloss or a mat lip colour.
*A note on colour. Very few people can successfully pull of lady of the night red. So unless you’ve got a whole 1930’s movie harlot thing going on (with hair and makeup and wardrobe) or you’re going for the look of a street walker then you’ll want to pick something a little more natural looking. The friendly sales girl at your local makeup counter will likely be more than happy to help you find what you need.
I was going to make a video to show you how to put on makeup but the truth is that I really don’t have any authority on putting on makeup. In all honesty, the entire contents of my makeup bag is likely less than $100. I use $2 mascara. It serves its purpose for me but I know it’s not top of the line awesome shit that an educated makeup artist would tell you to wear. But I did find this video on the youtube for your viewing pleasure.



As colour goes I think natural colours are more appealing to men. I have this theory that women wear makeup for other women more than they do for men. Men don’t know half the time whether or not women wear makeup or how it was applied or what colour they are wearing. And I’m pretty sure electric blue and neon green scare them a little bit. So stick to the natural colour palate. But black is always good, says the girl who works in a goth shop.
Random Tips
-Think about where/ when you are wearing your makeup. Vamping it up may not be appropriate for a PTA meeting. Going fresh faced isn’t always the best idea for a gown/ tux gala event. You’re going to do your hair, do your face too.
-Drag queens are men performing the female gender. It is supposed to be exaggerated because it’s a performance. You are not performing. Don’t be heavy handed with your makeup.
-Don’t wear makeup to the gym. It’s bad for your skin. Plus your there to work out not get a man. It’s a health club not a dance club. Also you’ll look like a tool.
I’m sorry if this post has come across as trite. As a youngster, I wanted to be a makeup artist. I had books and a kit with every colour of every product imaginable. If I had written this ten years ago, it would have been much more interesting. When I sat down to write about makeup I was drawing a blank. I’m sorry. I blame the government.
Next week is my monthly update which will include a video of my pole dancing and belly dancing. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. I think I’ve only managed to maintain, but we’ll see next week.
Love
Devo (whip it. Whip it, good.)