Just for you (and just in time for post Valentine’s blues) Devon’s quick and dirty guide to really fucking good sex.
I have three basic rules for basic sex involving two or more people:
1) Be safe. This should be obvious. Use protection. Get tested after each sexual partner. If you are cheating, get tested between your regular partner and the person your cheating with and vice versa. Don’t be a complete ass hat. Have respect for the health of the people you are fucking and respect for their loved ones. It may take some creative thinking to explain to your partner why you can’t have sex with them while you are waiting for test results but that’s what you get for fucking around without permission.
2) Communicate with your partner. This cannot be stressed enough. Yes its embarrassing to tell your partner to dress like a bunny but if that’s what gets you off they need to know. You’re about to get naked and put parts of you in parts of them or get parts on them in parts of you, get over it. Also remember to keep an open mind. You may not want to have your partner take a dump on your chest but listen, don’t laugh and come up with a reasonable compromise that works for both of you. Remember that sex in any form should take place between two consenting adults. Goats can’t give consent. Unconsciousness does not count as consent. I don’t care if your girlfriend left you for another woman and you’re a fat, balding pathetic loser with no future and a very small dick. Rape pretty much makes you worse than the scum of the earth and hell becomes too good for you. Plus she might blog about it later and then people will know you have a really small dick and are terrible in bed.
3) Masturbate and know your body. Knowing where to touch yourself will make it easier for you to guide your partner when you have sex with another person. Also its really fun and if you do it before bed, you’ll sleep better.
Three steps to having good sex with yourself:
1) Have a clean, uncluttered, quiet space to do it in. It’s not totally necessary but if you’re anything like me your head is probably full of stuff already; it’s hard enough to let go and enjoy. You don’t need to add laundry to the never ending to do list.
2) Buy toys! Research online. Go to your local sex shop and ask the helpful and friendly sales person for advice. Chances are they’ll let you try out anything you want (on your hand, you sicko) so you have an idea of how it works. Don’t cheap out. Get something that takes AA batteries (they’re easier and cheaper to obtain), dishwasher safe and water proof, if it is plastic no seams (its unhygienic), and no metallic paint (it chips). If you’re intimidated by sex shops try somewhere that doesn’t feel like a sex shop. For Vancouver I recommend Womyn’s Wear on Commercial and Qortezan in Yale town. Also lube is good. Look for water based.
3) Watch/ read/ look at porn. First it will help get you in the mood. Second it’ll help to let you know what you like. If you find that you’re more turned on from images of doggy style even though you’ve never done it before, it maybe something you wouldn’t necessarily have thought of to try with a partner which may lead to the best fucking orgasm you’ve ever had. Or it’ll just get you off when you’re alone. Either way, it’ll be fun. I prefer reading porn over watching it. Plus if you put a jacket on the cover you can read it on the bus and no one will ever know... or so I hear...
Random advice in no particular order:
• Threesomes! Make sure everyone involved knows their role and is comfortable with it. If you are a couple adding a third, discuss how much involvement you want the third person to have, discuss the gender of the third person (miscommunication could be hilarious and terrible), get everyone tested. Basically take all mystery out of it. It is the best way to prevent jealous and feelings of unease. The same goes for three unattached people who just want to have a threesome. Getting drunk and taking home someone from a bar may seem like a good idea at the time. But it isn’t, it’s messy, it’s dangerous, and it might fuck up everyone psychologically. Also going through a list of your single bi friends on Facebook is not an especially sound plan.
• Anal Sex! In hetero situations I find that men are more into the idea of buttsex than women are. You need permission to go through the back door. Don’t put up with someone who has anal without your permission. They are obviously very selfish and have betrayed your trust. Kick them to the curb. My general rule is that I will not consider anal sex until my partner lets me fuck them with a strap on. My bum has retained its virginity to date, which is a little disappointing because pegging sounds hot to me.
• BDSM! With the internet and the accessibility of sex toys (chances are you have a sex shop within walking distance) BDSM is becoming more and more popular for people who have no idea what they are doing. Research it on the internet. Don’t just strangle or tie up your partner. If you are in the Vancouver area, Metro Vancouver Kink puts on all kinds of wonderful workshops for beginners. They are non judgemental and friendly. Check it out before you end up checking your partner into the hospital.
• Same Sex Sex! You should have sex with someone of the same sex at least once. Trust me. This one is tricky. If you are of the mindset that everyone is bisexual or that you can have sex and enjoy it with someone of the same sex without being gay it may be easier to wrap your head around this idea. If not then just skip this point. Having sex with someone of the same sex will: 1) make masturbation better for you. It will give you ideas. The other person may do something you’ve never even thought of. 2) It will make it easier for when you’re with your partner. You can appreciate that it’s not always easy to get another woman/ man off. It will make it easier for you to communicate what you want and allow more patience when it’s just not working for you.
Obviously this is only the tip of the iceberg. I suggest getting a book about sex with pretty pictures, positions, and general advice. You may also want to check out Dan Savage’s Savage Love column in the back of the Georgia Straight or his youtube channel.
The media often portrays women as being very interested in sex but not necessarily experienced at it (no one wants a slut right?), I have come up with a very reasonable solution for this. Ask for anything you want (whips, chains, threesomes, foursomes, moresome) and then innocently claim you saw it in a porno once.
Go forth and fuck yourselves. Next week translating willingness to have sex into everything you do.
With love and lust,
Mistress DD
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